Silly post this evening.
I don’t usually post or forward urban legends or humor emails I receive. Truth be told, I don’t get many of these any more – it’s as if the world went through 10 years of forwarding silly email as they got used to the medium, and that silliness has past.
I thought this email was fake, but I did this Google search, and I was able to verify that this was, truly, a legitimate Craigslist posting recently, and a legitimate response. So enjoy… it has exactly the right mix of humor, social commentary, and financial reference for my tast.
Here is the original Craigslist posting:
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLYPlease hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810
Alright. Funny, right? Sick? Disgusting? Ridiculous? Hilarious? New York? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
This post received a number of responses. However, this one is worth reading.
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
New York is a magical place.
Update (12/1/2007): I’ve been meaning to post this for a while. It turns out that this woman ignored the obvious right thing to do, and decided to respond. Her use of technical financial terms is bizarre and incorrect, but I’m guessing she was paraphrasing with some help from friends who had more knowledge about high end finance. In any case, I’ll let you judge for yourself.
From the “Best of Craigslist”, the post titled “To the gentleman who called me a depreciating asset“
To the gentleman who called me a depreciating asset
Date: 2007-10-11, 8:23AM EDTDear Sir,
I must confess that I was somewhat taken aback upon reading your email. Indeed, it has taken some time for me to sufficiently recuperate from my surprise. Lest your confidence quickly inflate for little reason (as we know is the predisposition for Wall St. types), allow me to hasten to reassure you that the source of my surprise was neither your candor nor the accuracy of your perception. Indeed, it is your “claimed” success in light of your poor grasp of economics which has me baffled. If the standards required to meet with financial success on Wall St. have sunk so low, perhaps I should indeed “make my own money”, except for the fact that the effort/reward ratio is far too high for my liking – especially when so many of your ilk have displayed a far more cogent grasp of market realities than you have.
By now you are likely scratching your ever-vanishing hairline in confusion, so allow me to elaborate, dear man. To build some credibility I will tell you a bit more about yourself. Though you did not mention the details of your occupation, it is clear that you are an investment banker and not a trader, as any good trader would understand that human courtships are based upon a semi-efficient open market, and not an investment banking cartel. However, your inability to grasp the realities of the dating market is not surprising, given that you have successfully employed the tools of collusion and market manipulation rather that true acumen in your supposed wealth generation.
If your grasp of finance were not a minority partner with your ego, you would realize that the “outflows” associated with my depreciating “assets” are quite certain, and therefore subject to a low discount rate when determining their present value. In addition, though your concept of economics evidentially failed to move past the 1950s, advancement in plastic surgery is not subject to the same limitation. Thus, with some additional capital expenditure, the overall lifetime of “outflows” generated by these assets is greatly increased. Sad that Ashton Kutcher has demonstrated understanding of the female asset class which you, in all of your financial “wisdom”, have not.
You, on the other hand, are, given the uncertainty of the Wall St. job market, more of an inflation-indexed junk bond with an underwater nested call option. Though you may argue that you are more of an equity investment, my monetary minimums required from you do not change, and if you are unable to pay them, I will liquidate you without the benefit of a chapter 11, just as you would me.
Because your outflows are so much more uncertain with respect to mine, I require additional compensation in the form of a underwater nested call option on your future assets. I say underwater because, even taking into account the value of your junk bond coupon payment to me, the value of my “outflow” is in excess of the market price of your equity (which is quite low due to its riskiness associated with your poor grasp of finance and my existing claim upon your junk bond coupon).
I must thank you though for raising the question, despite the reputation cost of subjecting your weak logic to such widespread scrutiny. This took either considerable courage or ignorance on your part- and we’ll give you the benefit of doubt, just this once. My current boyfriend (a trader who lives in Central Park West, of course) and I thoroughly enjoyed discussing your response and we wish you the best of luck in your unhappy pursuit of that elusive market inefficiency.
Since it’s on best of craigslist, once again, I have to assume it’s legit. Ah, New York.
Filed under: E-Commerce, Economics, Entertainment, Personal Finance, eBay
Dear Bookend Brother,
I know the guy who answered this add. He graduated a year ahead of me at Cal.
It’s hilarious.
-#4
I haven’t laughed aloud like this in a while. I scared the cat.
This guy’s response was excellent. Honest, informative. The questions he raised about why she hasn’t had any success raised several good points. If I were him and she did contact me, I’d have to see her from afar before we ever exchanged words.
I sent this out yesterday to a bunch of friends too. It’s sad in its hilarity!
The response that I received from an unnamed girl is the following:
“But assuming that’s all she brings, then the dude that responded totally helped her out. If she has x years of good looks left, she should find a guy with x years of life left. Easy! And just think of the inheritance potential!!”
I miss NYC
[...] Wow. Read more here. [...]
[...] 11th, 2007 · No Comments The story in the NYTimes about the gold-digger and the rich banker (supposed) who posted on Craigslist prompted me to go back and look around the site for the first [...]
I think the guy is not a good businessman as he is just using his theoretical knowledge. Look at it this way….if you marry her and have children, you are investing in your childs furture already because it is always better to have good looking children than not so good looking children. And it her claims are true then what more do you need than beauty and brains?
Dear Whore;
I appreciate your honesty. At 500K a year, you’ve tagged your coochie at an astonishing $1369 a day! Quite modest, aren’t we! But I admit, I’m still intrigued at what such an astonishing figure might offer, and would hate to miss out on what must be the best lay in the world. So I’d like to go for the daily rental plan to satisfy my curiosity before taking the big plunge on a nominal lease plan.
But before I commit to a rental though, a few questions, dear.
Having seduced and rented an embarrassingly large number of women, I must say you really need to explain your pricing. You humbly find yourself spectacularly beautiful, but really now, that just your opinion. Just last month at the Novahotel disco in Bangkok, I had 25 different Russian Anna Kournikova look-a-likes offer a rental price of $150 a night.
As a man, I imagine my beautiful meter is far more subjective than yours. Since you’re American, the odds are miniscule you’re even close to as beautiful as them, let alone ten times more beautiful to justify $1369 a day!
So is it your sexual performance? Just in the last month, in Thailand and the Philippines I’ve paid $30 a night to at least half a dozen girls who could star in porn today. Are you 45 times better to command $1369? Hmmmm.
Is your snapper gold plated and does it shoot fire? If it only shoots darts and smoke cigars, I’ve already seen that for free at Long Gun in Bangkok.
Maybe you have some magical pink taco that changes transmission fluid, carries my golf bag, baits my hooks, and morphs into a different 21 year old every night? That might be worth something, I imagine. $1369? Well…
Also, you seem naive to the game. Men don’t pay for sex, we pay for the women to leave. It sounds like you expect to come back every day! Good grief!! The excitement of newness fades quickly, sometimes in an afternoon, so surely there must be some decelerating price scale as the days add up. Please advise.
Lastly, you don’t speak do you? I don’t like to talk to whores, and avoid cocky ones like the plague, which you clearly are.
Maybe you’re actually some package deal. Do you have a fleet of hot girlfriends that give great BJs or something? Because in Pattaya a threesome is just $60, and some of those girls sucked it so hard my ears wiggled and the bed sheets went up my butt. So what does a $1369 hummer feel like? Really. I’d like to know.
Geez, prostitution can be so difficult at times. This is hard work.
Warm Regards,
Brett Tate
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0975264028/
This is awesome, I LOVED his reply!!!
VERY funny! He forgot to point out in the equation the fact that if he marries her, it seems pretty clear that his 500k a year will diminish (he would have less for himself). So her beauty is not only a depreciating asset but one that will not help him to maintain his own assets…
)
O gawd. you should have a follow up on this. The woman actually answered back. its on the best of craigslist. Go and look!
Oh That’s Rich,
Fantastic. Found it. I will write a follow up post. Her response is too good not to share. Unfortunately, it confirms her lack of either scruples or intelligence.
Adam
Disgusting. This man (dare I call him that?) treats all women like whores, not just this one. See his horrendous book about exploiting women listed on Amazon. It’s people like him that have made sexual harassment cases so easy to win, though, so I guess there’s probably plenty of women out there lining their pockets with men like him. I would imagine the women in question wrote the craigslist ad “tongue in cheek,” but the man’s reply is all-too-true. No wonder I have wanted to join a convent all my life, until I finally moved to France where – for the first time in my life – I was treated with real “beauty and respect.”
No wonder the rest of the world calls American men “Barbarians.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Pig.
I can’t find the response the woman made on the best of craigslist, can anyone provide a link?
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I just updated this post with the response. See above.
Reply to Catherine Todd:
“I would imagine the women in question wrote the craigslist ad “tongue in cheek.”
She makes it perfectly clear that she’s a gold digger, but don’t let that stop you from defending her.
No wonder I have wanted to join a convent all my life, until I finally moved to France where – for the first time in my life – I was treated with real “beauty and respect.”
Well you can stay there for all I care, don’t forget to revoke your American citizenship and never come back. Or you could try to stop generalizing men in general. Just because you seemed to attract the wrong type of man for you doesn’t mean we’re all assholes.
No wonder the rest of the world calls American men “Barbarians.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Pig.
Again with the generalization, and again if thats the way you feel please feel to never come back. France can have you.
ok. wow. I came in to find out what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do to marry the man I am in love with, and I got this. Wow. I’m a woman and I have to say that I find women like the gold digging two bit whore gives the rest of us women a bad bad name. Second no relationship or marriage should be based off looks and money. What about feelings? That is what is wrong with the world today.
Second not all men are barbarians. Women are just the same if not sometimes they are worse than men. If you don’t understand what I am saying let me spell it out for you.
Women always have their hands out asking or demanding the man pull out his wallet. Simply because we were programmed that way counting back the centuries that was the way it was, the men worked outside the house and the wife did all the house work and took care of the children. TImes have changed people.
Benjamin Brown was right, no one deserves to be catagorized or labeled. That girl caused all the anomosity simply from her add. Second if she had a boyfriend and what not why place the add in the first place? Obviously he is running out of money. She must be getting ready to move on. Who is the next victim? How many males or females have been victimized by her? How many diseases has she spread? And what the hell was she thinking? Who knows and as far as I’m concerned I think she is the bad apple for women, must have been hard to grow up and not have a clue how life really is simply because I’m sure she had everything handed to her.
Genius. What a bitch.
[...] and I knew we loved the place, so instead of “proposing” to Westwind, we decided to “lease”, as in, write-in our dates in their calendar, but didn’t put a down-payment in (sweet deal, [...]
It’s the world’s oldest profession. If you need help figuring out how to perform your job, when your job is this ancient and simple, then you’re not very bright. Anna Nicole Smith managed to land a wealthy husband without any help and while expending little effort.
All this woman has told us is that she’s dumber than Anna Nicole Smith.
I sincerely hope she never procreates, especially not an “oopsie-baby.” Someone that narcissistic is incapable of truly loving anyone but themselves: which is probably why no one wants to marry them. People don’t like to be objectified, even when they objectify others.